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​The U.S.S. Make Shit Up

This song is by Voltaire and appears on the album Banned On Vulcan (2001).


I was stranded on a planet, just me and Spock
We met a nasty Nazi alien, he locked our asses up
We found a hunk of crystal and a metal piece of bed
We made a laser phaser gun and shot him in the head!

Bust a move, Tog

I was standing on the bridge when Sulu came to me
His eyes were full of tears, he said, "Captain, can't you see?
The ship is gonna blow, do something, I beseech!"
I grabbed a tribble and some chewing gum and stopped the warp core breach

And I say,
Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish
That's the way we do things, lad, we're making shit up as we wish
The Klingons and the Romulans pose no threat to us
'Cause if we find we're in a bind we just make some shit up

Though he's just a child, and some think him a twit
Wesley is the master when it comes to making up some shit
He's the guy you want with you when you go out in space
Now if only he could beam those pimples off his face

And if you're at a party on the starship Enterprise
And the karaoke player just plain old up and dies
Set up a neutrino field inside a can of peas
Hold on to Geordi's visor and sing into Data's knee

And I say
Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish
That's the way we do things, lad, we're making shit up as we wish
The Klingons and the Romulans pose no threat to us
'Cause if we find we're in a bind we just make some shit up

Sisko's on a mission to go no bloody place
He loiters on a space station above Bajoran space
The wormhole's opened up and now they come from near and far
We'll keep the booze but please send back the fucking Jem-hadar

What is with the Klingons? Remember, in the day,
They looked like Puerto Ricans and they dressed in gold lame
Now they look like heavy metal rockers from the dead
With leather pants and frizzy hair and lobsters on their heads

And I say
Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish
That's the way we do things, lad, we're making shit up as we wish
The Klingons and the Romulans, they pose no threat to us
'Cause if we find we're in a bind we just make some shit up

Well, I was stuck on Voyager, pounding on the door
When suddently it dawned on me I've seen this show before
Perhaps I'm in a warp bubble and slightly out of phase
'Cause it was way back in the sixties when they called it "Lost in Space"

We were looking for a way to make the ratings soar
So we orchestrated an encounter with the Borg
Normally you'd think that that would get us into shit
But this one has a smashing ass and a lovely set of tits

[Italicized lyrics only from live performance:
And I say
Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish
That's the way we do things lad, we're making shit up as we wish
The Klingons and the Romulans pose no threat to us
'Cause if we find we're in a bind we'll just make some shit up

Well now they got a new show
And it's called Enterprise
And it takes place a hundred years
Before Kirk was alive
They say that it's a prequel
Or so that's what it's called
It's such a bad idea you'd swear that Lucas was involved

They have a Vulcan female
And she's a nervous wreck
Her ass is sweet as Seven's only green
So what the heck
They're in the past but Klingons have those lobsters on their heads
I'm more confused than Wesley Crusher nude in Tasha's bed

And I say
Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish
That's the way we do things lad, we're making shit up as we wish
The Klingons and the Romulans pose no threat to us
'Cause if we find we're in a bind we'll just make some shit up

Well, it seems the bigwig up at Paramount
Must have felt the franchise was stale by all accounts
'Cause they hierd J.J. Abrams to give the thing a shove
I fear he would mock and mangle everything we love

Well, I went to the movies and there, much to my shock
There were hunky models playing Kirk and Spock
Vulcan's been destroyed and the time line has been crushed
So some one tell me why I love this film so fucking much]


And I say
Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish
That's the way we do things lad, we're making shit up as we wish
The Klingons and the Romulans pose no threat to us
'Cause if we find we're in a bind--we're totally screwed but never mind--
We'll pull something out of our behinds, we just make some shit up