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​Berni Inn

This song is by Victoria Wood.

Frank:
I'm a man, just a man,
I am happy and contented,
I appreciate the finer things in life.
My house is detached
And it's obviously not rented
I've a car and I've something else
A wife.
And my life's complete
When I take her out to eat,
We have all that we possibly could want.
When we journey in to the Berni Inn,
Our very favourite restaurant.

Waiters:
Please don't panic when you
See the Berni menu,
All unchartered waters to explore.
(FRANK: Lovely!)
No need to be Magellan,
Prawn cocktail. Melon.
And frankly you could never ask for more.
No matter how you falter,
Our manners never alter,
Smiling through like dear old Vera Lynn.
We would go through Hell
For our clientele,
The clients of the Berni Inn.

Dorothy:
I'm a wife, just a wife,
And I'm happy to manoeuvre
Round my hubby and I just fit in with him.
I'm proud of my house
And I'm handy with the Hoover
And the Harpic and the Ajax and the Vim.
But my life's complete
When he takes me out to eat
To an eatery that's posher than the pub.
When we journey in to the Berni Inn,
It's number one with me for grub.

Waiters:
Once you've had your starter,
Steak with grilled tomato,
Shows you are a diner with finesse.
(FRANK: Ooh, I'm having that.)
You have to learn the blarney,
Fancy words like "garni",
That just means they bung on bits of cress.
Once you've learnt to grapple
With gammon and pineapple
You can face the world without chagrin,
That remote ravine
That is haute cuisine,
Come across it at the Berni Inn.

FRANK and DOROTHY:
What we have, who we are,
Well it isn't accidental,
We have battled for the life that we have built.

Frank:
We're refined, to be frank,
We are almost continental.

Dorothy:
Well, we do have a continental quilt!

FRANK and DOROTHY:
But it seems so neat
To invite you out to eat,
To show you some of what you haven't got;
To journey in to the Berni Inn,
To show you that we know what's what.

Waiters:
Now please alert your colon,
Loosen off your roll-on,
Can we say we'll do deserts all round?
(FRANK: Oh, yes...)
Ices in the chiller,
Only got vanilla,
Or the sweet for which we are renowned.
In shit hole or in chateau,
They know Black Forest Gateau,
Though ours has never been too near Berlin.
It's wrong to brag,
It's just cake in drag,
But it's "gateau" at the Berni Inn.

Frank:
On my grave will be chipped
By a monumental mason,
There could never be a better life than Frank's.
Had a wife, had a child,
Had an avocado basin,
Bath and lavatory from Armitage Shanks.

FRANK and DOROTHY:
And it feels so sweet
To have given you this treat,
And that is why we felt we must insist,
That we journey in to the Berni Inn,

Frank:
To demonstrate the life you've missed!