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​Animal Testing

This song is by The Macc Lads and appears on the album The Beer Necessities (1990).

I was busy groping on my floor,
Some git comes knocking on my door,
There's a pack of bastards queuing up outside.

No, I don't think that God's amazing,
No, I don't want no double glazing,
I'm just trying to get between this woman's thighs.

'Do you want some life a**urance?',
Do you want some car insurance?',
F*** off, twat, I'm trying to have a poke.

'God's sent me on this mission',
'Sign the animal cruelty petition,
' I think beagles should be forced to smoke.

I believe in animal testing,
(Yip!) That's a dog,
I don't want cladding or insulation in me f***ing loft,
Don't want to help the poor at Christmas,
I'm too busy in this bird's knickers,
I got my airgun out for the Hari Krishnas.

Some old biddy's saving dogs,
So I pushed a flame thrower through the letter box,
F*** off granny, or you'll get what the mormons got.

'Cause I fried that bastard to a cinder,
Poured piss on the vicar out of the bedroom window,
The Animal Rights got their leaflets up their arse.

I believe in animal testing,
(Meeow!) That's a cat,
I don't want to buy any carpet cleaner,
Yes, I know the dog's just shat,
I'm quite happy with these stains,
I wired the doorbell to the mains,
Now Macc's got no MP, isn't that a shame?.

Got back to sorting this girl out,
'What was it you came round about?',
She's collecting for the church's gerbil fund.

Now that seems like a worthy cause,
So she got down on all fours,
'I'd like to make a contribution to your cunt.'

I believe in animal testing,
(Ooh!) That's a bird,
If the panda's dying out,
I couldn't give a turd,
I don't want to know about politics,
I'd rather scrape the cheddar off my d***,
And save the smelly bits for Jehovah's Witnesses.

I believe in animal testing,
(Mooo) That's a cow.