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​D&D

This song is by Stephen Lynch and appears on the live album Superhero (2002) and on the live album The Craig Machine (2005).

Performed by Stephen Lynch, Mark Teich, and Drew Lynch

Now this is about a guy you might remember from high school --

Lynch: Harmonica.
Teich: (imitates harmonica)

Lynch: More harmonica.
Teich: (imitates harmonica)

Lynch: (after a pause) Bassoon.
Teich: And you're a cocksucker.
Lynch: Thank you.

Lynch: I got my 12-sided die and I'm ready to roll with a wizard and my goblin crew.
My friends are comin' over to my mom's basement, bringin' Funyuns and Mountain Dew.
Teich: I got a big broadsword made outta cardboard, and the stereo's a-pumpin' Zeppelin --
Lynch: (in falsetto) Whole lotta love --
Teich: It's that time of the night, we turn on the black light,
Both: Let the Dungeons and the Dragons begin -- IT'S D&D!
Teich: Fightin' with the legends of yore.
Both: IT'S D&D!
Teich: Never kissed a lady before.
Lynch: Nope.
Both: Whoo!

Lynch: Play us a little gui-tar, Teichy, come on.
Teich: (picks up a small guitar and, after a long pause, plucks one string) Did you see that?
Lynch: Yeah!

Lynch: Now the Lord of the Rings, the Dark Crystal and things, we use these as a reference tool,
Teich: And when we put on our cloaks and tell warlock jokes, WE'RE THE COOLEST KIDS IN THE SCHOOL!
Lynch: (under his breath) No we're not.
Teich: (also under his breath) I know.
Lynch: Now Teich's a real bastard, but a fair dungeon master; he's got hit points and charisma to lend,
Teich: And I rehearse in my room, or what I call the dragon's tomb, when I'm not out with my girl friend.
Both: It's D&D!

(Teich keeps singing, but Lynch stops short)
Lynch: Oh hold on, I'm sorry, hold on one second. Dude, come on.
Teich: What?
Lynch: Seriously!
Teich: What?
Lynch: You got a fuckin' girlfriend? "Dungeon Master"?
Teich: Yeah, all right, I do, I have a girlfriend. I do! I have a girlfriend ... ah, I don't have a girlfriend.

Both: It's D&D!
Lynch: Summoning the demons of hell,
Both: It's D&D!
Teich: When our shift ends at the Taco Bell.

(Lynch's brother Drew comes onstage)

Lynch: Well, my medieval brother, there's room here for another, would you care to take a roll of the die?
Drew: Now listen to my words, you guys are fucking nerds, I'd rather stick that sword in my eye!
Lynch: Wow!
Drew: You're not a warrior strong! Your fucking wand is a bong! There's no such thing as a gnome or a sprite!
Both: We put a spell on thee!
Drew: (laughing) You guys are too much for me, ha ha ha ...
Both: (after a long pause to glare at him) That's what your mama said last night.
All: It's D&D!
Lynch: Warriors who terrify
All: It's D&D!

All: Virgins till the day we-e-e-e-e--eeeee-Ah
(All freakiness ensues)

Lynch: 1, 2, FUCK YOU!
All: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!