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​I Am Schäffer The Darklord

This song is by Schäffer the Darklord.

(I Am Schäffer)
(I Am Schäffer)

Ah
Ooh
Under an evil sun, on an evil rock, in an evil land
An evil man impaled an evil woman with an evil plan
And with his evil hands, help the newest to his evil clan
And now before you stands out one man, Evil Band
T'was the year of the tiger, under the sign of Scorpio
I was born in a boring town called Corning, yo lordy yo!
By age five, Mom and Dad are split, but I survive
Surmise that my imaginary friends kept me alive
It was fine then, but by ten, my friends had turned to voices in my head
At night, in bed, they lead me to some poor choices
I might have regretted and yet instead of fixatin'
On consequences, I spun records backwards and found Satan
Then he and Christ fought, and guess what? -- The hippie lost
So the Prince Dark, got this Mark, on his plate with a little tossed
Salad, as a power ballad played on his stereo
He shit me out, passed me the mic and now here we go

I am Schäffer the Darklord, not quite yet deceased
My name first is Mark for I've been touched by the Beast
And my opinions make minions and crowds bow down before me
Abbreviatin, like Satan, my name down to STD

I'm thigh high in riches, with high fives in kitchens
Never shall I die, beguiled by Christians
Listenin to my rhymes, divine interventions
But fuck it, I'm sky high as a kite, did I mention
I go to rock shows? Thought so, knock those crowds to your knees
I play drums in two bands, called 'Bottle Dog' and 'Burmese'
I started 'Syphilis Billing', I'm from 'The End Of The World'
And I can get my voice so high, sometimes I think I'm a girl
But yeah, I'm lyrically able. Just find my spirit unstable
And if you love STD, buy the CD, at the merch table
You cannot buy my Black Box. You must be high on crack rocks.
After the secure round my wrist with fast locks
I got demons, they're schemin' to bring me down to my doom
And there's a devil on each shoulder like a Popeye cartoon
They're temptin' and baitin', I'm masturbatin' and waitin'
For the date of our fate and now everyone say "Hail Satan!"

I Am Schäffer the Decadent, driven on by my lord
My neighbors are checkin' it, records frighten their kids
They whistle 'cause this'll help them feel much less queasy
As quickly, they pass by the haunted house of me, STD

I've been sent to the surface, snarlin', spittin' and cursin'
Ain't a person who's safe from my crusade of convertin'
Skeptics may find my antics a bit disconcertin'
I'm hurtin' for words, there's birds of prey all day perchin'
Up in my area, I'm scarier alive than a carcass
My blood is black and cold, and I'm told my soul is the darkest
By the big guy downstairs, I throw a hand in the air
Remove the thumb, the ring, the devil horns, because I don't care
You see, the hip hop scene thugs don't dig the humorous schtick
And the comedy clubs don't want the musical bit
But the heavy metal heads and rock'n'rollers cheer and clap
They may be into it, they don't even listen to rap
That's why you are my people. Yes, all you all are my people.
Because you're like me: Fucked up, horny and all evil
And you love it, you puppets. You'll follow me down to hell
For I am Schäffer the Darklord and you're all under my spell

I Am Schäffer the Demonic. Gothic kids shop at Hot Topic
Talkin' bout walkin' to Hell and I'm walkin' Anvil and Masonic
I'm rotten, erotic (neurotic?). You got it? Say "Yes, we see."
I'm a true bastard, your new master, you call me STD
I Am Schäffer the Darklord, not yet quite deceased
My name first is Mark for I've been touched by the Beast
And my opinions make minions and crowds bow down before me
Abbreviatin, like Satan, my name down to STD