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Uncle Phil & Aunt Phyllis In The Month After The Election

This song is by Patterson Hood.

Uncle Phil and Aunt Phyllis started speaking again finally
They're not exactly newlyweds, although they once did
Appear on the hit TV show with that title
They didn't win, but came home with a toaster oven
That they used daily until that unfortunate mishap a few years back

When they met Phil was a Vietnam War protester in DC
For a rally outside the Pentagon
She was there marching for women's rights
She set fire to her bra outside the hotel
Where they both happened to be staying

She was actually just practicing, as her raising had
Never taught her such things and she wanted to make sure
That she got it right in case Walter Cronkite happened to be there

In the end, she never knew, because the massive flame
From her ample cup sizes set fire to some debris behind the hotel
Starting a chain reaction that ended up evacuating the place
And causing 3 battalions of firemen to miss their dinner
For Phil, it was love at first sight

They married and tried in vain to have children
Boy did they try, their attempts were sometimes so feverous
And rowdy that they were often evicted
It was around this time that they switched from dogs to cats

As Phyllis' dog kept thinking that Phil was hurting her
And would jump on the bed and bite Phil on the ass
As they went at it like wild pigs in heat

The cats were certainly disgusted by all of this
But were much too disinterested in anyone's well being
To try to interfere, eventually they adopted little Chang
But he wasn't much of a talker

Later still, during those zany Jimmy Carter years
They, as folks with good intentions sometimes do
Moved to Florida to be closer to Phil's family
Unfortunately within 6 months all of Phil's family there died
And they were left stranded in that godforsaken place

Phyllis always said she loved living near the water
But I don't think she has actually seen the beach in at least 22 years
Between her migraines and her psoriasis and Phil's cholesterol level
Somehow worshipping the sun has lost its appeal

Chang got a full scholarship to some almost ivy-league school
And was never seen again, Phyllis was and still is a secretary
For a very rich but mysterious Floridian
That she likes to hint works for the mob

Phil worked his 9 to 5 daily grind until that massive coronary
Now he just sits around and eats, no doubt hoping to finish
The job that medical science interfered with
Phyllis likes to eat too, adding a good 200 pounds to her
Already ample frame

Phyllis does still love her liberal causes
She once got so worked up watching President Clinton speak
That she defied her menopause and began menstruating
Uncontrollably for 16 days straight

She ended up in the Emergency Room and The National Enquirer
That was before all of the sex scandals
That later so captured the collective attentions

But Phyllis nonetheless stood by her man through
Thick and thin and even went out and found a blue dress
Just like that blue dress, knowing it would be available in her size

In fact, instead of being offended by the moral implications of it all
She took great pride and comfort in knowing that
Her Bill didn't discriminate against women of size

For Phil, all of this is just proof that the end is near
And good riddance, last Saturday he passed an entire 12 pound
Thanksgiving turkey out his ass
For about 46 hours it had been lodged somewhere in his
Intestinal track and he refused to go to the hospital

Friday evening he began dilating, Saturday morning
The water broke, and we all knew the end was eminent
Phyllis had always hated that living room rug
And now she was getting a new one

When Reagan was first elected in 1980
Phil and Phyllis and young Chang all retreated into an abyss of
New age religion and philosophy

They hoped that by purifying their existences
They could perhaps mantra him out of office
And further the causes that suddenly seemed lost

It was around 1983 when Phil started having chest pains
And on November of the next year Phyllis was mortified
To find out that the man she had married and loved so for 14 years
Had voted against the Mondale ticket

It was only a matter of time before they were sleeping
In separate bedrooms and eating their breakfasts in near silence
Phil began listening to talk radio all day and night
And would quote it to her whenever she walked by

Phyllis had a brief, but meaningless affair with a golf caddy
Named Pedro that she met at the Publix while picking up dry goods
For her employers' hurricane shelter

Phil, it's been said hasn't had an erection since 1985
But he did buy a really fast Mazda and can be heard playing
Don Henley tapes at full volume as he squeals around
The curves of their suburban hellhole

This year Phyllis volunteered for the Edwards campaign
So she was elated when he was chosen as running mate
She found Kerry to be a little dry and stoic
Certainly not the magnetic sex machine of her beloved Bill

But she liked his wife's spunky nature and way of pissing people off
With her words and opinions, so putting in a few hours
On the phones was the least she could do

Phil put a W sticker on his new RX8 and joined Veterans
Against Kerry even though he himself had narrowly escaped
The draft and had pledged to move to Canada if otherwise

He would spend his days on his computer
Sending e-mail after e-mail to friends and family members
Extolling the latest feats of our hero in The White House
And making fun of Michael Moore's waist line
(Who incidentally actually favors Uncle Phil quite a bit)

On Election Day eve Phyllis made Phil his favorite casserole
Laced with enough Xanax to leave him comatose for at least 3 days
Phil however was suspicious and fed most of it to their cats
Rendering them all unconscious for a week and a half

He retaliated by hiding her dentures and rearranging the wires
To the distributor cap on Aunt Phyllis' Taurus
He left for the polling station at the crack of dawn
Leaving her still snoring on the Tempurpedic

In the end they both successfully cancelled each other's votes
They stayed up all night watching the vote counts
Come in on separate TV sets, he, of course watched his on FOX News
Which was his main source of information about the world

She mistrusted mainstream media and aimed her satellite
Towards some wayward Canadian channel so that she could
Watch free from American right wing bias

When Kerry called Bush to concede, she ate all of the
Leftover casserole herself, hoping to sleep through the next 4 years
But by Thursday she was back at work with a pharmaceutical
Hangover and a bad case of indigestion


Written by:

David Barbe; David Michael Hood; Patterson D Hood; Bradley S Morgan; Johnny Neff

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