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​Doug Stamper (Advice Raps)

This song is by Open Mike Eagle and appears on the album Dark Comedy (2014).

Rappers belong to things
They got affiliations and shit and I do too
But fuck gangbanging, yeah

Life's kind of sucky bro
If you hearing this consider yourself lucky, though
Sharks in the boardroom program for guppies
Baby cuddle bunny in the box full of puppies, sho
No perm, grow a 'fro like Pam Grier
Don't say 'bro' bruh say manssiere, yeah
Any karaoke fans here?
If so, never get drunk and do Kashmir
It's not a good choice and white rappers quit
Rapping in your hood voice, sound like a clown
Hundred pounder that took 'roids
Don't do videos for tracks with your back to the cameraman
Phones get the family packing big data plan
'99 Problems' was a damn good summer song
If you got more than like three then something's wrong

You're drowning in quicksand
You're flailing in the water
You're hands are waving all frantic
You'll die within the hour
Unless you do what we tell you to do
Me and my whole fam we Doug Stamper
(Yeah, yeah, and here's the -)
So you should do what we tell you to do
(Mmmh-ah - timing, shit!)
I say, good God damn we Doug Stamper

Yeah, and here's the bush I would never beat around
Never march through Korea Town in a Madea gown
Yeah, you know, like a Muumuu
And never buy used from that dude Joe Isuzu
If you find yourself down in Southern Illinois
Cop a mixtape from DJ Snowy Boo-boo, (that's a real dude?) yeah
And don't start them arguments
Or show flowcharts to an art-numb (?) Parliament
And stand guard by your dart gun armament
And memorize your parts like a sharp-tongued artisan
Always tell a lie to C.I.A. torturers
Never buy weed from a guy named Mortimer
Buy bank forfeitures and foreclosures
If you start to lose your hair skip the comb-over
When you home open a game with the Orioles
A journalist should never write a slang editorial

You're drowning in quicksand
You're flailing in the water
You're hands are waving all frantic
You'll die within the hour
Unless you do what we tell you to do
Me and my whole fam we Doug Stamper
So you should do what we tell you to do
I say, good God damn we Doug Stamper

You a grown man do what I told you to
Stop pissing on the motherfucking toilet stool (disgusting)
Wash your hands when you touch your little dirty dick
And dry 'em off before you come trying to shake my shit (get outta here)
You a ho if your Facebook is complicated
Eat your fruit fiber bitch or get constipated (grrr)
No finger waves, except baby face
LeBron James needs to stop taking HGH
His hairline fucked up from the HGH
Went from one hair band to like, eighty-eight
You ain't a thug, stop acting like you've been through shit
Stop paying for them porn site memberships (that shit's a waste)
Go to YouPorn nigga, that shit is free
But don't bootleg my comedy, pay the fee (buy it)
Tell your cousin, stay the fuck from off of Worldstar
And don't buy a Honda Civic, that's a girl's car
And don't buy a Chevy Aveo, or a Mini Cooper or Yaris
And don't, don't set stuff on fire either

Actually, if If you can only afford one of those cars
Cause those are compact cars and are very affordable
Then get that, don't let me judge your life
But that other stuff, I mean that other stuff

Yeah