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​Every Sperm Is Sacred

This song is by Monty Python and appears on the album Monty Python Sings (1989).

DAD:
There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammad, but
I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,

Because

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Children:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

GIRL:
Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

Children:
Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

MUM:
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

MEN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
Women:
If a sperm is wasted,...
Children:
...God gets quite irate.

Priest:
Every sperm is sacred.
BRIDE and GROOM:
Every sperm is good.
Nannies:
Every sperm is needed...
Cardinals:
...In your neighbourhood!

Children:
Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.
Funeral cortege:
God needs everybody's:
Mourner #1:
Mine...
Mourner #2:
And mine...
Corpse:
And mine!

NUNS:
Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
Holy statues:
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

Everyone:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.