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​You Don't Want To Know

This song is by Loudon Wainwright III and appears on the album Therapy (1989).

It was colder than a witches tit, colder than a Polar bear's nose
Colder than the shoulder of my old flame, colder than hell ever knows
Not quite as cold as you think it is when the wind chill factors blow
But at Centigrade and Fahrenheit it felt way below zero

The electric duvet was cranked way up to 10, the gas fires were on full blast
When I get the bills from both of those Boards I don't know if the money will last
I was fully clothed in my entire wardrobe but I still couldn't feel my toes
The pipes all burst and we had another first, the water in the toilet bowl froze

When the radio ordered me to stay at home I obeyed though I was miffed
But the roads were ice, there was a ton of snow, and when the wind blows snow will drift
I was brushing and flossing my chattering teeth and in the mirror I saw my breath
Half frozen watching the TV news, the other half of me was worried to death

We've got helicopter rescues and freezing old ladies and the choochoo trains won't go
On the M4 there's a 5 mile tailback, lorries jacknifing in the snow
And it's summertime down in Australia and what gets right under my skin
On the TV they showing suntanned cricketers, they're just rubbing it in!

And they're saying it's from Siberia, that Communist, Arctic zone
What we've got is a Russian plot to make the World it's ice-cream cone
Whether we're gonna get a break, the weatherman will not say
I took my dog for a walk and he took a crap, you won't smell it until April or May

And the same thing happened here last year, but you don't want to know
In England people go around wearing raincoats and training shoes in the snow

It was the coldest day on record, in the coldest week in memory
It was the coldest month in the coldest year on the coldest night in history
But don't ask me just how cold it was, you don't want to know
On Centigrade and Fahrenheit it felt way below zero
I'm talking Centigrade and Fahrenheit, it was way below zero

Written by:

Loudon Wainwright III