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​1-900-LL Cool J

This song is by LL Cool J and appears on the album Walking With A Panther (1989).

(Phone rings twice)
Yo... "Hello 1-900-LL Cool J?"
Yeah whassup? "Can you please bust a funky rhyme for me?"
Yeah I can do that, check this one out honey

I motivate, accelerate
Devestate, and dominate
I don't smoke crack so I won't lose weight
Give me the {pussy} and the money and the mic and I'm straight
Go to a restaurant, give me steak
Then cook my chicken with Shake'n'Bake
I leave all the preachin to Reverand Flake
How much money can one black man make? Huh
I'm what's known as a true dynamiter
I write rhymes fast without a typewriter
Go with the flow, but no, I'm not a biter
Can't compare a cock-a-roach and a spider
Hell, you might as well get a glass of punch
'Cause you're bitin my lyrics like a Nestle Crunch, huh
And bitin my rhymes ain't slick
I got your gold teeth marks all over my [phone rings]
Complications and aggravation
An unnecessary-sation
I'm like Sunkist, good vibrations
Your al-blum, sounds like a compilation
Cool out, grab a seat and listen...
'Cause I'ma start dismissin
Sucker MC's who's out there frontin
Talkin' all that yang, yo you smokin' somethin'
Shoulda treated me royal, yo he wasn't loyal
Now it's all about chaos and turmoil
... Gimme that microphone
I'ma show you the real meaning of the danger zone

(Phone rings)
Yo... "Hello is this 1-900-LL Cool J?"
Yeah whassup? "Can you tell me what you do when you're coolin out?"
Yo check this out

Now when I'm coolin out, no time for a granny
Just a fly girl in t-shirt and panties
"Can LL {*censored*}?" Man, can he?
I tell you what, give up the fanny
Cause on a bedroom tomb, J swift
Not too big, but nothin' to play with
In addition, you on a mission
You need to audition for another position
Doin' damage is a crew tradition
Name your next al-blum intermission
You're full of preservatives -- plus,
You're too conservative
I'm full of flair, savoir faire, debonairre
There's no competition, for this here
So don't waste your time and breath
I'm givin' you all a big F
MC's I envelop...
... As the song goes on, the rhyme develops
I'm asiatic, acrobatic, charismatic
You don't want no static
Anyway, I ain't havin' it!
When I see the microphone -- I'm grabbin it
Plug it in and take charge
LL XL, Xtra-Large
KnowhatI'msayin? Peace

(Phone rings three times)
Hello?
Hello whassup girl?
How you doin' girl? I been tryin' to call you all day
Word up I was talkin' to LL he was kickin some mo' HYPED up rhymes to me
Word, I spoke to him today too - them rhymes WAS pumpin
Well not to cut you short but I gotta go cause my man is here
All right
See-ya