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Take 3

This song is by Julia Ecklar and appears on the album Roundworm (2003).

This song is a parody of "Threes" by Julia Ecklar.
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Deeply into bankruptcy—at last it can be told!—
A witch and an assassin hatch a plan to get some gold
They hire several guardsmen, but if all goes as they plan,
They'll never have to pay them: they'll be slaughtered to a man!

Three holes in their contract: termination for no cause,
No workman's compensation, and no life insurance clause

Disguised as honest women, then, they haggle and cajole
A payment from a businessman whose first and foremost goal
Is vengeance for a daughter lost in one of the attacks
He figures he'll deduct it when the King collects his tax

Three aren't what they seem: the guard who guards a secret plot,
The lady who's no lady, and the maiden who is not

One among the guardsmen drips with gems of costly size
The witch perceives he also wears a magical disguise
You might think this alone would be a giveaway right there,
But they're too busy plotting out their strategy to care

Three things are no fun: the answer right before your eyes,
A poker hand that's folded, and a fight where no one dies

From ambush, as expected, bandits swarm to claim their prize
The maiden has a mercenary gleam in her cold eyes
The lady does her nails while all her guardsmen's blood is spilled
They cannot prove their innocence except by being killed

Three things are most perilous: a victim with a grin,
A secret you're not in on, and a test you cannot win

The maiden watches helplessly throughout the whole attack,
Then hacks up half the hoodlums with one hand behind her back
The lady makes a gesture and the other half are fried
The guardsmen gesture back as they lie dying on the side

Three things never count on when your life is on the line:
A sword with rust, a bow with cracks, and a woman's sense of time

The witch decides what shape the traitor's punishment will be
(Her positive self-image is revealed for all to see!)
The worst thing she can think of's not a newt or bat or toad
She turns him to a woman, and then sets him on the road

Three things that you'll never find: a hen's tooth on a goose,
A woman's sense of humor, and chameleons you turn loose

Three easy steps to justice were to grab the guards in doubt,
Then butcher the whole bunch and let the Goddess sort them out
They spare a few sad glances at the loyal men cut down...
And then they count their booty and ride laughing back to town

Three survive unscathed: the mage whose sword knows every trick,
The fighter who's a cleric, and the guard who called in sick


  • Music by Julia Ecklar
  • Lyrics by Bob Kanefsky

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