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'Twas The Night After Christmas

This song is by Jeff Foxworthy and appears on the album Crank It Up: The Music Album (1996).

Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
I was camped out on my old La-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife.
The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin'.
I stood up and looked and saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws,
And I got a complaint from a feller named Clause."

I said, "Clause, I don't know nobody named Clause.
And you ain't takin' me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might've been me, just what's he look like?"

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly
That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly."
He sports a long beard and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "That sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy," the Sheriff he said,
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you done, and tell me what you seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought 'what the hell?
It wouldn't be the first time I spent New Years in jail.'
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten.
I thought that my wife had been drinking again.

When she walked in from works she was white as a ghost.
I thought 'maybe she'd seen one of them UFO's.'
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shutter.
A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well, my hands were a shaking as I grabbed my gun.
When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag overflowin'
I thought 'he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowlin'.
So I yelled, "Drop it fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped off a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort:
"That's assault with intent Roy! I'll see you in court!""
I'll tell you what sheriff if you put a subpoena on me, I won't show up.
I'll hold up in the cellar and you'll never rout me outta there.
So why don't you just turn car off come in and we'll watch wrestling and eat some
Easter bunny stew and talk about how ta catch that tooth fairy.
She's been over here about every other night...

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