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​The Queen

This song is by Guido Hatzis.

(Phone rings)

Man: Hello, Palace.

Guido: G'day mate, my name is Guido Hatzis, right,

M: Yes?

G: and I read in the paper today that the queen is coming to
Australia next year.

M: Yes Yes, where are you calling from?

G: Mate I call from Australia. Now I'm prepared to let the
Old lady stay at my place, all right?

M: Err, who is this?

G: Mate it's Guido Hatzis, all right?

M: Ah, where are you from?

G: Mate I told you before all right you deaf pommy poof, all right,
I'm from Australia, all right?

M: I beg your pardon? you can't-

G: Nah, nah mate listen to me, listen to me, all right?

M: You can't speak to me like that!

G: Nah I will speak to you like that, all right? I'm ringing to
Tell you that the Queen can stay at my place but only on the
Couch mate, all right?

M: Err, I'm fine? Look?

G: Nah, nah mate, are you a beefeater, is that what you are?

M: I beg your pardon?

G: Mate are you a beefeater? 'Cause I tell ya, the next thing you'll
Eat mate is a knuckle sandwich from me, right?

M: Look, if you have any specific comments, I can write them in
The book and pass them on.

G: Nah, nah, mate, write in the book all right, write it right now,
You are a dick-head Pommy poof, all right, can you spell that?

M: I'm Sorry.

G: Nah, nah, mate I am sorry that I speak to you, you're the
Dickhead mate, you need to get me the Queen on the phone now,
All right?

M: I'm sorry?

G: Yeah, you say sorry alot mate, I'd be sorry if I had a head
Like you mate, all right?

M: Listen, if you have any specific enquiries about the Royal Family-

G: Nah, nah, mate, I'll start again, all right, 'cause you're a stupid
Pommy poofter all right, so what we do, right, the Queen, she come
And stay at my place, all right, two days a week she work at my
Nanna's fish and chip shop, all right?

M: (mumbling) Ridiculous.

G: Nah, mate, ridiculous? It will be, she will get the sack if she
Steal any pickled onions all right?

M: I don't believe this!

G: Nah, nah mate, I am tired of speaking to you, I will go now, all right?

M: Look, if you have any specific enquiries about the royal family,
You can leave them here, with, and I will write them in the book
And pass them on.

G: Mate, all right, you write 'em in the book, all right, why are they a
Bunch of skippy poofs?

Question mark, Guido Hatzis, goodbye.

(Guido hangs up)