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Threes (Revision 1.1)

This song is by Frank Hayes and appears on the compilation Vince Emery Presents the Funniest Computer Songs (1989).

Deep in engineering down where mortals seldom go
A manager and customer come looking for a show
They pass amused among us, and they sign in on the log
They've come to see our pony and they've come to see our dog

Three things you should be wary of
A new kid in his prime
A man with all the answers
And a code that runs first time

Summoned from our cubicles to conference room we go
We bring our dog and pony for we know they'll want a show
Watching as we enter with a shifty restless eye
The customer sits waiting in his pinstripe suit and tie

Three things never trust in
That's the vendor's final bill
The promises your boss makes
And the customer's good will

The pony kicks his heels up as the doggie does his trick
And hands are waved with vigor as we lay it on real thick
The customer just watches as we do this song and dance
Then reaches for his briefcase, only giving us a glance

Three things see no end
A loop with exit code done wrong
A semaphore untested
And the change that comes along

From briefcase then there comes a list of things we must revise
And all but four within the room are taken by surprise
And all but four are thinking of their last job with remorse
The customer, the manager, the doggie, and the horse

Three things hold no secret
Files that somehow hit the net
Your boss's secretary
And the third thing I forget

First twenty-one new features that somehow we must add in
Then thirty-seven changes show up, much to our chagrin
And this thing's just inadequate, and that one's just plain wrong
And by the way, your schedule is about three months too long

Three things it is better far that
Only you should know
How much you're paid, the schedule pad
And what is just for show

The customer proceeds to go through each change line by line
Excruciating detail which no logic can divine
When it ends there's only four not sitting there agog
The customer, the manager, the pony and the dog

Three things never anger
First the one who runs your deck
The one who does the back-up
And the one who signs the check

Now we are contract software types who spend our days and nights
Embedded in the system down with all the bits and bytes
And none but us can tell full well the damage done today
It's what they do not know for which they're gonna have to pay

Three things are most perilous
Connectors that corrode
Unproven algorithms
And self modifying code

The manager and customer are quick to leave this bunch
They take the dog and pony and they all go out to lunch
Now how will we revenge ourselves on those who raise our ire?
Write code that self destructs the day the warranties expire

Three things trust above all else
Your knowledge of your craft
That someone makes a profit
And that you will get the shaft