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​Stuck Here

This song is by Frank Hayes and appears on the compilation Vince Emery Presents the Funniest Computer Songs (1989).

When you build a ship to sail deep space
You can't have a crew of mortal race
'Cause a hundred years from star to star
With a human crew is just too far
Think of all the beer you'd have to carry
Not to mention food
And, uh, other necessities

So you fill your ship with a robot crew
And you build a computer captain, too
You get some experience for free
From some old spacer's personality
Maybe an old shuttle pilot
Who's just learned from his last mistake
That's where I come in
So you take some bloke who's halfway dead
And you haul him home and you scan his head
And a hundred years of flying high
Is a damned good deal when you're about to die

'Til you've had a decade or two to think it over
It gets lonely out here
And a thousand frozen colonists don't count

So there behind my solar sail
Are five hundred hunks of frozen tail
But if I thawed one and you know I could
It wouldn't do me a bit of good
What would I use?
I've got no damned body, just a starship
Couldn't even... oh, the heck with it

Now a couple of billion miles astern
It's another lonesome sucker's turn
So I'll radio back and say "Hey you
Oh, I didn't know they took women, too
Lovely night tonight, isn't it?
Look at all them pretty stars
Yeah, me too"

So we'll talk, and murmur "I love you"
Like other star-crossed lovers do
And in eighty years we've made a date
Did you ever see two starships mate?
We've got these robots
And we figure they can put together
Oh, none of your damned business