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​Normal American Boy

This song is by Charles Strouse and appears on the musical soundtrack Bye Bye Birdie (1960).

Reporter:
He's coming! He's coming! Conrad Birdie is coming!
Hey Conrad, how about answering a few questions?
How do you feel about joining in the Army?

Albert:
How does he feel?
You ask how he feels?
He's much too shy to tell you,
So, I'll tell you how he feels
He feels brave and eager!
Strangely humble! Proud to be a plain GI!

Rosie:
He will gladly face those bullets,
For he's not afraid to die!

For he's a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal
American boy!

Albert:
And that's why he volunteered for...

Reporter:
Volunteered? I thought he was drafted!
And he appealed... three times!

Rosie:
Sing!

Girls:
We love you, Conrad
Oh yes we do
We love you, Conrad
And we'll be true!
When you're not near us
We're blue!
Oh, Conrad, we love you...

Albert:
Very nice!

Reporter:
Say, what's the pitch on that Hollywood starlet, Conrad?
Are you two engaged?

Rosie:
Is he engaged? Is Conrad engaged?
There's absolutely nothing to the rumor he's engaged!

Albert:
She's a real pal, like a sister, but it doesn't mean a thing!
And that eighteen carat diamond, it was just a "friendship" ring!

For he's a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal American boy!

Reporter:
Then why was her husband so mad?

Albert:
Sing!

Girls:
We love you, Conrad
Oh yes we do
We love you, Conrad
And we'll be true!

Reporter:
Hey, Mr. Peterson, give us the scoop. Is Conrad still drinking a lot?

Rosie:
Now listen here! This gossip must stop!
He goes to church each Sunday and he doesn't touch a drop!

Albert:
He's as decent as a minister!

Rosie:
Absolutely.
Albert:
He's as sober as a judge!
He subscribes to ev'ry charity!
And his hobby's making fudge!

All:
For he's a fine upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal American boy

Reporter:
Is it true that you found Conrad in a Reform School?

Rosie and Albert:
That is a lie!
A lie through and through!
I'll tell you where he came from, here's the story and it's true!

Rosie:
He was born in Indochina,

Albert:
He was born in old Virginie

Rosie:
Son of missionaries there!

Albert:
On a thousand acre farm!

Rosie:
Very poor and very hungry

Albert:
From a line of wealthy planters

Rosie:
What a cruel life to bear!

Albert:
Full of genteel, southern charm!

Rosie:
Then he drifted down to Hong Kong

Albert:
Every evening, by the river

Rosie:
To a waterfront saloon!

Albert:
In the moonlight they would croon!

Rosie:
That is where I heard him singing

Albert:
That's where Conrad started singing

Rosie:
'Neath that dirty Hong Kong moon!

Albert:
'Neath that sweet plantation moon!

(In unison)
Adults:
Oh, beautiful for spacious skies
For amber waves of grain
America, America,
God shed His grace on thee.
Teens:
We love you, Conrad!
Oh, yes we do!
We love you, Conrad, and we'll be true.
Oh, oh, Conrad, we love you
We love you, Conrad, and we'll be true.
(End unison)

All:
For he's a fine upstanding, av'rage, modest, patriotic,
Healthy, normal American,
American boy!