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Mr. Home Hardware

This song is by Buddy Wasisname and the Other Fellers and appears on the album d'Lard Liftin' (1998) and on the album I'm Looney (2002).

He's Mr. Home Hardware he's Mr. Canadian Tire
Can't wait for the mail to pick up those colourful flyers
He's got all kinds of gadgets in a workshop that looks mighty cool
Mr. Do-It-Yourself with an arsenal of ten thousand tools.
It if rattles, he glues it.
If it separates, he screws it.
If it breaks off he glue guns it on
If there's a problem, he licks it 'cause he's Mr. Fix-It
He loves it when something goes wrong.
He's got all kinds of rig outs to keep himself physically fit
He faithfully uses them once then in the basement they sit
Never questions or wonders if it's all just a scam or a fad
After one single workout, wants to look like the man in the ad.
If it pedals, he'll try it
If it treadmills, he'll buy it.
If it vibrates he'll hand out the cash.
When his house gets too cluttered his wife moans and mutters
And most of it is thrown out as trash.
He's got a vegetable garden that measures only twenty feet square
But he owns more garden equipment that the country of Zaire
Super high-speed, deluxe garden gadgets that stand to the test
And the latest in poisons to destroy undesirable pests
If it wriggles, he'll spray it
If it slithers, he'll slay it
He's proud of his harvest, he thinks that it's marvellous
Five dollars he's probably saved.
Now his greatest of passions is gathering up good fishing gear
To go out to the lake for one day every five or six years
He'll tell you his efforts will result in some food on his plate
But we know he will never recover the worth of his bait
If it sparkles, he'll try it
If it glitters, he'll apply it
If it rotates, he's wildly impressed
No matter what the price is, he loves these devices
And displays them all over his vest.