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​Lil' Gay Waiter

This song is by Bruce McCulloch and appears on the album Drunk Baby Project (2002).

I used to live in Calgary. I wasn't gay, but a lot of girls made me wish I was. A lot of guys made me wish I was, not because I wanted them, but, if they were hetero, I didn't want to be like them. I was thinking about this and I decided to do something I had never done before: have pasta for lunch. There are seven thousand pasta restaurants in the metropolitan Toronto area and this about a hero who works in one of them.

Little gay waiter
Working in a restaurant
You want to help me
But what is it you want?
You come from a small town
A lot like?

Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays aren't good for you
The kitchen doesn't like the way you pitch the soup
You've got a special, but it isn't really yours
Where did your cloth go?

Here comes the rush
Here comes the rush
Coffee, salad, ?
Table four is breaking up
Can they have separate checks?
Here comes the rush
Here comes the rush

Don't forget my heart
Don't forget my tip jar
Don't forget that

High school was a maddening time
Dressed sort of cool and your hair was long
Freaked them out at the dance when you danced alone
You didn't care, you were out of this one-high-school town

Toronto bus and you were bound. Slept in your jean jacket the very first night. And somehow you became the man standing in front of me today.

Little gay waiter
Working in a restaurant
You want to help me
But what is it you want?
You came out of the closet
But no one was there for you
No one was there for you

You think it's too cliche, so you won't even get a cat. But you imagine where he'd be: on the couch, on the rug, on the chair. You have an imaginary cat. Sadly, you also have an imaginary boyfriend.

You walk alone on Pride Day
You think you could do this in?
Are you gonna leave this world-class town?
With that you put your placard down

Stopped and stared at a pole
Stopped and stared at an ad
"Man with truck will move anything, no matter how big or small
Please hire man with truck"

Don't forget my rug
Don't forget my ottoman

Man with truck moves little gay waiter
But somehow, near the edge of town,
Their eyes locked, their hands locked
They turned around
Man with truck moved little gay waiter
Two years later, they're still together

Hmm

Music by:

Bruce McCulloch, Craig Northey & Brian Connelly

Lyrics by:

Bruce McCulloch