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​Doors

This song is by Bruce McCulloch and appears on the album Shame-Based Man (1995).

Hey, man, listen up. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

You know that new Depeche Mode album? It sucks. You know what? That new Cure album? It sucks. That new Happy Mondays album? I don't know if there is one, but, if there is, it sucks.

I can say this 'cause I know, 'cause I'm a Doors fan.

And, you know, if you wanna be a Doors fan, you know what? You might already be one and you don't even know it. You know, sort of like being gay. You're walkin' around, you know somethin's up, you just don't know what it is yet.

You see, Doors fans aren't made, they're born. I bet right now, in Africa, there's some guy madly beatin' on a drum. He's one. Or an old lady on a bus, sucking humbugs. She's a "rider on the storm" and she don't even know it. I do, 'cause I'm a Doors fan.

And, if you wanna be a Doors fan, don't just go buy a "greatest hits" album either. Greatest hits albums are for housewives and little girls. If you want to be a Doors fan, you got to do it right. It's very scientific. You got to buy Waiting For The Sun. It's their third album, but, really, it's their first. We call it "the departure point".

Okay. Quick quiz: who's playing bass? Hmm? No bass. That's right, the Doors had no bass. You see, the gypsies had no homes. Don't let that scare you, let that free you. Let that liberate you. 'Cause when you're free-flying with the Doors, man, you don't need no safety net.

If you just scream "Viva la Doors!" loud enough for your landlord to start thumping on the wall, then you might, in fact, be a Doors fan.

There's one way to know for absolute sure. Get an eight-track tape of L.A. Woman (there's only a few in existence) and steal a car. Even if you own one, steal a car. Get in that car, play the tape, full-blast, and drive West. When the tape ends, get out and go to the nearest bar and start to play pool or pinball or possibly even foosball and wait to get into a fight. Afterwards, get back in that car and drive it until it runs out of gas. Then, torch it. And, as you're standing there watching those flames, if you can still hear the Doors sound, then, my friend, you will have become a Doors fan.

You wanna know how I know? You wanna know who told me? Well, last year, Jim fucking Morrison told me, that's who! He came to me. 'Cause I'm a Doors fan! I'm a Doors fan, man! Man. I love this sound. I like the Doors.

Music by:

Bob Wiseman

Lyrics by:

Bruce McCulloch & Kevin McDonald