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12 Pains Of Christmas

This song is by Bob Rivers and appears on the album Twisted Christmas (1990).

The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree


The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
- [Angry husband]: Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
- [Man getting over being drunk]: Hangovers
- Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
- [Exhausted man]: Sending Christmas cards
- Hangovers
- Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Five months of bills!

- Sending Christmas cards
- Hangovers
- Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
- [Nervous wife]: Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
- Oh, I hate those Christmas cards!
- Hangovers
- Rigging up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
- [Nervous wife's husband]: The Salvation Army
- Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
- Sending Christmas cards
- Oh, geez!
- I'm tryin' to rig up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me:
- [Whining kid]: I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!
- Charities, and whataya mean "YOUR in-laws"?!?
Five months of bills!
- Oh, making out these cards
- Honey, get me a beer, huh?
- What, we have no extension cords?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
- [A tired father]: Finding parking spaces
- Daddy, I want some candy!
- Donations!
- (Crying) Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
- Writing out those Christmas cards
- Hangovers!
- Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
- [A mother]: "Batteries Not Included"?
- No parking spaces
- Buy me somethin'!
- Get a job, ya bum!
- Oh, facing my in-laws!
Five months of bills!
- Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards
- Oh, geez, look at this!
- One light goes out, they ALL go out!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eleventh thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:
- [A male couch potato]: Stale TV specials!
- "Batteries Not Included"?
- No parking spaces
- Dad, I gotta go ta bathroom!
- Charities!
- She's a witch... I hate her!
Five months of bills!
- Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
- Oh, who's got the toilet paper, huh?
- Get a flashlight... I blew a fuse!
And finding a Christmas tree

The twelfth thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:
- [Two men]: Singing Christmas carols
- Stale TV specials
- "Batteries Not Included"?
- No parking?!?
- Waaaaaaaaaah! waaaaaaaaaah!
- Charities!
- Gotta make 'em dinner!
Five months of bills!
- I'm not sendin' them this year, that's it!
- Shut up, you!
- Fine! you're so smart, you rig up the lights!
And finding a Christmas tree