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Sandpaper Man, Part 3

This song is by Abbreviated. Life. Expectancy..

ANNOUNCER: We now join our hero Sandpaper Man flying high in the sky over a small town, hoping to see nothing but peace...

SANDPAPER MAN: Ah, what a great day! The clean air provided by the nuclear energy plants! The noise pollution of the traffic! Things couldn't be better! I swear I... what!? What is this!? Jumping Jesus on a pogostick! Look down there! It looks like those homophobic frat boys are giving that gay lad a hard time. This looks like a job for... Sandpaper Man!

FRAT BOY: Hey you freakin faggot, you wanna pick me up? hahahah!

GAY LAD: Actually, that's what I have in mind you silly goose!

FRAT BOY: What the hell? Shut up faggot! I'm not a faggot you faggoty-assed faggot! Get the hell away from me!

GAY LAD: But yer so big and strong you big football-playing strongman you!

FRAT BOY: Oh, so you wanna learn how to play football huh?

GAY LAD: If it's with you, OH YES!

FRAT BOY: Well here's your first lesson... LEARN HOW TO TAKE A HIT!

GAY LAD: (punching sounds in background) Ow Ow! Stop! Ow! Stop that! Ow! No! Help Me!

SANDPAPER MAN: What the HELL is going on here!? There will be no fighting!

GAY LAD: Mmmmm, I like your outfit, but the red cape clashes with the big letter on your chest. I could touch that up a bit for you, if you like.

SANDPAPER MAN: Thank you, I might take you up on that sometime!

FRAT BOY: What the hell!? Why are you wearing that stupid faggoty-assed outfit? Are you a faggot too? I knew it, I'm surrounded by faggots!

SANDPAPER MAN: What your mouth young man or I'll have to sand it down for you!

FRAT BOY: Oh yeah? Well why don't you try and make me you faggot!

SANDPAPER MAN: I'm no faggot, for I am... SANDPAPER MAN!

FRAT BOY: (sanding sounds) Hey stop that! (voice is now muffled) mm! mm! mm!...

SANDPAPER MAN: Ha Ha! There now! You won't be blabbing anymore! Go back to your fraternity and let them know that they face the same wrath as you did if they wish to harm good citizens like our gay lad friend here! Ha Ha Ha!

GAY LAD: Tee Hee Hee! That was marvelous! And Sandpaper Man, what do you say we go get some food together?

SANDPAPER MAN: A date? Hah Hah. No, I'm not a homosexual my friend. But I do uphold your right to be a homosexual! So go and play and remember... Wherever there is trouble, I will be there to help. If you need anything, just give a whistle and a toot and SANDPAPER MAN will be there!

ANNOUNCER: And so exit our hero once again, awaiting the next pathetic injustice that any fool dares to attempt. Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of...

Sandpaper man and announcer: sandpaper man!

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