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​Sandpaper Man, Part 1

This song is by Abbreviated. Life. Expectancy..

ANNOUNCER: We now join our hero Sandpaper Man flying high in the sky over a small town, hoping to see nothing but peace...

SANDPAPER MAN: Ah, what a great day! The clean air provided by the nuclear energy plants! The noise pollution of the traffic! Things couldn't be better! I swear I... what!? What is this!? JESUS JEHOVA! Look down there! A good citizen is lying on the ground, clutching her foot and crying out loud!

YOUNG LADY: Somebody help me please! I was walking barefoot on my new porch and I got a huge splinter in my toe!

SANDPAPER MAN: Hey there little lady, take it easy, TAKE IT EASY! I'll get that splinter out of your foot for you!

YOUNG LADY: Oh but how will you possibly do such a thing Sandpaper Man?? It seems so impossible!

SANDPAPER MAN: Why, I have my super-galactic-tweezers! I never leave the skies without them! Here ya go young lady!

"Pling!"

YOUNG LADY: Oh thank you Sandpaper Man! You're my hero!

SANDPAPER MAN: Yes... yes, hah hah, I know I am! But my work here isn't finished yet. You've still got a porch with TONS of rough edges! THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR SANDPAPER MAN!

ANNOUNCER: Just then, our hero Sandpaper Man rolled his body around the helpless young lady's porch, instantly smoothing it out.

SANDPAPER MAN: Whoa Hoh! That was fun! Well Ma'm, there will be no more splinters for you or anybody ever again!

YOUNG LADY: Oh thank you Sandpaper Man! How will I ever repay you!?

SANDPAPER MAN: Well, I didn't get a chance to pay my bill for "Housewife Monthly" yet. And if you pick up the tab, well, WE'LL CALL IT EVEN!

YOUNG LADY: It's a deal! Thank you Sandpaper Man!

SANDPAPER MAN: No Problem! And if you ever are in trouble again you needn't worry. For in two shakes of a gnat's ass Sandpaper Man will appear to help you in your time of need!

ANNOUNCER: And away flies our hero in search for more crime...