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​Kentucky Jones (Part 4)

This song is by Abbreviated. Life. Expectancy..

Announcer: Scene 4. Kentucky Jones arrives in the Heimlech Manure Mountains.

Kentucky: Ah, damn... that was a big climb...

Kid: Quit whining! You're supposed to be the hero!

Kentucky: Oh yeah! (manly cough) There's an entrance to the Bark Temple according to this map! Let's go kid!

Announcer: In the mountain now...

Kentucky: Ah, the Bark is down that way.

Kid: Wait! My father says that the Bark is guarded by a bunch of hippies!

Kentucky: Hippies? I HATE HIPPIES!

Muckraker: Hello again Doctor Jones...

(Grabs Kid)

Kid: Let me go!

Kentucky: No! Not you again!

Muckraker: I believe I was supposed to kill you...

Carmen: NINE! Let's just get zee bark and get out of here!

Muckraker: Shut up or you die too. Now Jones, you die.

(Shoots at Kentucky, but Carmen jumps in the way)

Carmen: Nine!

Kentucky: Carmen! No!

Muckraker: Fine, you get the Bark Jones! It's the only thing that can save her...

Carmen: Kentucky, please hurry!

Kentucky: Right!

Kid: Don't forget about the hippies! And watch your step! One wrong move and you'll fall thousands of feet to your death!

Kentucky: Now you tell me. All right, let's do this Kentucky!

Announcer: Deeper into the caves

(Kentucky encounters some stoned hippies guarding the bark)

Hippies: Whoa... Man... yeah... dude...

(Kentucky almost falls of a ledge)

Kentucky: Whoa! God Damn, that was close...

Hippies: Bark, Bark a load man!

Kentucky: Uh, I need that bark you God Damned hippies.

Hippies: Shut up, hatebreeder! Peace man! It's the only way!

Kentucky: Uh... ooopsy!

(Shoves all the hippies off the ledge)

Hippies: Whoa duuuuuude!

Kentucky: Fuckin' hippies... god damnit... ALRIGHT! I'VE GOT THE BARK!

Kid: (yelling) HURRY BACK! CARMEN'S ALMOST DEAD!

Kentucky: (running) I'm coming Carmen! I'm Coming!

Carmen: (crying) KENTUCKY!

Kentucky: (returns) Here... Oh god, eat this bark. It'll save you...

(Carmen eats the bark and grumbles...)

(A shot is heard)

Muckraker: My lieben!

Kentucky: What the!? Who killed Muckraker!?

Kid: FATHER!

Kid's Father: Yes! It's me! I see you found my bark!

Kentucky: Two things. All right, first of all, this bark isn't working. Secondly, NICE SHOT MAN! You nailed Muckraker!

Kid's Father: Thank you! But she's going to die anyway you stupid white man imperialist!

Kentucky: What!? But I gave her the Lost Bark!

Kid's Father: Yeah? So? I never said it had any special powers. It was just lost!

(Carmen Dies...)

Kid's Father: See? You imbecile!

Kentucky: Oh well, let's leave these two dead Nazi's alone. It's time to get back to the USofA

Kid: (crying) Kentucky... You're my hero!

Kentucky: (chuckles) Ah sure kid... sure!

Announcer: Stay tuned. Same time, next tape! For Kentucky Jones' new and exciting adventure in "The Quest For The Holy Pail"!

All Actors: Yeah! Woo Hoo! We're done! That was great! All right! Saawing Batter! hoo hoo hoo!