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​Word Crimes

This song is by "Weird Al" Yankovic and appears on the album Mandatory Fun (2014).

Original video
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Wikipedia has an article on
Word Crimes
Everybody shut up
Everyone listen up
Hey, hey, hey... hey, hey, hey... hey, hey, hey

(Check me out)
If you can't write in the proper way (Lousy writer!)
If you don't know how to conjugate (hey)
Maybe you flunked that class, (hey, hey, hey)
And maybe now you find (hey, hey, hey)
That people mock you on- (hey, hey, hey) -line
Everybody wise up

Okay, now here's the deal... I'll try to educate ya
Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature
You'll learn the definitions (hey, hey, hey)
Of nouns and prepositions (hey, hey, hey)
Literacy's your mission (hey, hey, hey)

And that's why I think it's a good time
To learn some grammar (What?)
Now, did I stammer? Work on that grammar
You should know when
It's "less" or it's "fewer" (oh, yeah)
Like people who were (all right)
Never raised in a sewer

I hate these word crimes
Like "I could care less"
That means you do care, at least a little
Don't be a moron
You'd better slow down and use the right pronoun
Show the world you're no clown (Everybody wise up)

Say you've got an I-T followed by apostrophe S
Now, what does that mean?
You would not use "it's" in this case as a possessive (no, no, no)
It's a contraction (yeah, yeah, yeah)
What's a contraction?
Well it's the shortening of a word or group of words by omission of a sound or letter

Okay, now here are some notes
Syntax you're always mangling
No "x" in espresso
Your participle's dangling (uh-huh)
But I don't want your drama (hey, hey, hey) (uh-huh)
If you really wanna (hey, hey, hey) (uh-huh)
Leave out that Oxford comma (hey, hey, hey) (uh-huh)

Just keep in mind (Everybody wise up) that be, see, are, you
Are words not letters
Get it together, use your spell checker
You should never (Oh no)
Write words using numbers
Unless you're seven, or your name is Prince (Everybody wise up)
I hate these word crimes (Hate them crimes)
You really need a (I hate them crimes)
Full-time proofreader (I mean those crimes)
You dumb mouth-breather
Well, you should hire
Some cunning linguist
To help you distinguish what is proper English
(Everybody wise up)

One thing I ask of you
Time to learn your homophones is past due
Learn to diagram a sentence too
Always say "to whom"; don't ever say "to who"
And listen up when I tell you this
I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis
You finished second grade, I hope you can tell
If you're doing good or doing well (Everybody wise up)
Better figure out the difference
Irony is not coincidence
And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull
'Bout what's figurative and what's literal
Oh, but just now (just now) you said (you said)
You "literally couldn't get out of bed" (What?)
That really makes me wanna literally
Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head
(Everybody wise up)

I read your e-mail
It's quite apparent
Your grammar's errant
You're incoherent

Saw your blog post
It's really fantastic
That was sarcastic... (Aw, psych!)
'Cause you write like a spastic
I hate these word crimes (Everybody wise up)
Your prose is dopey
Think you should only write in emoji
Oh, you're a lost cause
Go back to preschool, get out of the gene pool
Try your best to not drool

Never mind, I give up
Really now, I give up

Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Go away