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​Jackson Park Express

This song is by "Weird Al" Yankovic and appears on the album Mandatory Fun (2014).

Tuesday morning, 8:15
I was riding to work on the Jackson Park Express
Seemed like any other day
Then my whole world changed, in a way I never could have guessed
'Cause she walked in, oh oh oh
Took the seat right across the aisle
I knew we had a special connection
The second I saw her smile

She smiled as if to say
"Hello... haven't seen you on this bus before"
I gave her a look that said
"Huh... life is funny, you never know what's in store
By the way, your hair is beautiful
I bet it smells like raisins"

She looked at me in a way that asked
"Did you have a nose job or something?
I'm only asking 'cause your nose looks slightly better
Than the rest of your face"

I arched my eyebrow ever-so-slightly, which was my way of asking
"Do you want my old Hewlett-Packard printer?
It still works, kinda
And I've got a bunch of ink cartridges left"

Then she let out a long sigh, which I took to mean
"Uh! Mama!
What is that deodorant you're wearing? It's intoxicating
Why don't we drive out to the country sometime
And collect deer ticks in a Ziploc baggie... aw yeah"

I gave her a penetrating stare, which could only mean
"You are my answer, my answer to everything
Which is why I'll probably do very poorly
On the written part of my driver's test"

Oh ho hoo wo, ho ho, ho ho, ho ho yes
It all happened on the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
Oh ho, oh wo

I knew she was startin' to fall for me
'Cause she crinkled her nose, which unmistakably meant
"Baby, let's wear each other's clothes
And speak in a thick German accent
And maybe someday we can own and operate
Our own mobile pet grooming service"

I couldn't hold back my feelings
I gave her a look that said
"I would make any sacrifice for your love
Goat, chicken - whatever
I could never hold you close enough
Let's have our bodies surgically grafted together
Aw... surgically grafted together"

She picked up a newspaper and started reading to herself
Which I'm sure was her way of telling me
"When you're cold, I will warm you
Aw... when you're shivering, I will hold you
When you're nauseous, I will give you
Pepto Bismol every hour for as long as the symptoms persist
Oh, I never, ever wanna see you cry
So please let me cauterize your tear ducts with an arc welder"

Then I glanced down at her shirt for a second
In a way that clearly implied
"I like your boobs"

Aw! Oh ho ho, ho ho, ho ho yes
It all happened on the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express

I cleared my throat quietly, and then I looked away
And I'm sure it was obvious to her just what I was trying to say
I was trying to say
"Hey... I'd like to make a wall-sized mural
Out of all the dead skin cells that you slough off
While you sleep at night
Oh ho, I'd like to rip you wide open... aw
And French kiss every single one of your internal organs
Aw! I'd like to remove all your skin
And wear your skin over my own skin
But not in a creepy way"

Then I'm pretty sure she looked at me
Out of the corner of her good eye
And though she never spoke a word
This is exactly what I heard... she was sayin'
"Aw! I want to make out with you
In an abandoned tollbooth in the middle of a monsoon
I want to ride dolphins with you
In the moonlight, until the staff at Sea World kicks us out
I want you inside me, oh oh
Like a tapeworm"

I pointed to the side of my mouth as a way of indicating
"Hey, I think you've got something on the side of your mouth"
She licked the corner of her lips as if to say, "Here?"
I nodded, implying, "Yeah, you got it"

And then the bus stopped at 53rd St.
And she got up suddenly
"Where are you going?" pleaded my eyes
"Baby, don't you do this to me"
Think of the beautiful children we could have some day
We could school 'em at home, raise 'em up the right way
And protect them from the evils of the world
Like trigonometry and prime numbers
Wo no, baby, please don't go"

She brushed my leg as she left the bus
I'm sure that was her way of sayin'
"I'm sorry, this just isn't working out
You're suffocating me
I need some space to find out what life's all about
So goodbye forever... my love"

And deep inside I knew she was right
It was time for us both to move on

No, I never got her number, aw no no
She never bothered to leave her address
Aw... But as long as I live
I'll never forget those precious moments we shared
Together on the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express