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Tom Payne:I Built A Better Model Than The One At Data General Lyrics

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Tom Payne
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This song is performed by Tom Payne and appears on the compilation The Funniest Computer Songs (1989).
I built a better model than the one at Data General,
For databases vegetable, animal and mineral.
My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality.
My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity;
You needn't even bother checking out a bit for parity.
There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting.
My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
There's lots of space in memory for variables floating-point.
Which shows for input vegetable, animal and mineral,
I built a better model than the one at Data General.

The IBM new home computer's nothing more than germinal.
At Prime they still have problems with an interactive terminal.
While Tandy's done a lousy job with operations Boolean,
At Wang the byte capacity's too small to fit a coolie in.
Intel's mid-year finances are something of the trouble sort,
The Timex-Sinclair crashes when you implement a bubble sort.
All DEC investors soon will find they haven't spent their money well.
And need I even mention Nixdorf, Univac and Honeywell?
By striving to eliminate all source code that's repetitive,
I've brought my benchmark standings to results that are competitive.
In short, for input vegetable, animal and mineral,
I built a better model than the one at Data General.

In fact, when I've a Winchester of minimum diameter,
When I can call a subroutine of infinite parameter,
When I can point to registers and keep their current map around,
And when I can prevent the need for mystifying wraparound,
When I can update record blocks with minimum of suffering,
And when I can afford to use 100K for buffering,
When I've performed a matrix sort and tested the addition rate,
You'll marvel at the speed of my asynchronous transmission rate.
Though all my better programs that self-reference recursively
Have only been obtained through expert spying done subversively,
Still for input vegetable, animal and mineral,
I built a better model than the one at Data General.

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