I'm your friendly green coat
And I welcome you to Bernie's Holiday Camp
One day and you'll be happy
It's Bernie you will thank
You must be little Tommy
Well call me Uncle Frank

Welcome you too, Mrs. Walker
Here you'll always find a helping hand
The camp with the extras
(I'm in chalet number eleven)
When you come to Bernie's
You might think you're in heaven

Didn't know I had an Uncle Frank
I've never met him, have I?
Look there, Mum, a cage of budgies
Swimming pool and donkey rides, all free!
It's all free, Mum!

Here we have the winner, folks
Have you ever seen a lovelier pair?
What a shapely ankle
What a perfect shin
If you could feel this silken thigh
You'd know who has to win
If you could feel this silken thigh
You'd know...

You don't know how much I've missed
To feel a man again to dance, to kiss

Your eyes reveal you're lonely

This evening must pass slowly
Until we're one my heart won't rest
Will Tommy share our happiness?
You don't know how much I've missed
To feel a man again to dance, to kiss

Of course he will I'll make him smile
I'll take him out to cinemas and fairs
Football and cricket
There'll never be a happier lad
I'll be more than an Uncle
I'll be just like a Dad

I will be a green coat, too
And when I'm big, I'll own a holiday camp
A camp with a difference
Always be good weather
When you come to Tommy's
The holiday's forever

I'm glad you like your Uncle Frank
He'll surely love you, too
Just like a Dad

He's very nice, I think
Did he fight in the war?

When he's got his greencoat on
I love him even more